Monday, January 4, 2010

The Secret Life of Golfing Bee's

I went golfing with my father - we golfed with an old man who was retired. My father met him in the golf store while setting up our tee time and insisted he play golf with us. Old, salty, ex - Marine..."EARL" was his name....

I pray to GOD when my father and I golf, that we do not have to golf with other people. Or, we are not ahead of *any* golfers so that I won't expose my slow, clumsy approach to the game with any one else with eyes. Really, if I could golf with all blind people *this* would be ideal, but until the Helen Keller Foundation supports this sort of a course, I'm screwed....

We approached the 6th hole, EARL has teed off and is now walking a few yards ahead of my father and I. I am now engaged in a very critical conversation with my father about 'how golf balls could be prettier', and how 'I need cuter golf shoes' if he wants me to play more golf with him.

I am crouch over my ball concentrating, I feel a light tap on my butt cheek. This startles me a bit, as I think it is my father. I stand straight up and look at him like "WTF"? In return, he looks at ME like "WTF"? "You ok"? he says. I feel silly because he is standing about 8 feet away from me so I couldn't have possibly been him.

I set up again, no sooner do I bend over when I feel a tapping on my butt cheek. I jolt up and spin around to look at my dad. With wide eyes I say, "this may sound weird but are you poking me?" My dad with concern says, "No!, are you ok?"

Without answering, I set up my ball again and feel a tap on my butt again. I put my hand back on my butt cheek and feel the fluttering of wings against my skin. My heart drops into my stomach and my face flushes with heat as I realize what is in my pants !

NOW A BURNING SENSATION ON MY BUTT CHEEK. I put my hand down my pants and grab my butt cheek!! the BURNING gets more intense and I start to feel BURNING in more areas of my butt cheek.

I FLIP OUT !!! I start screaming "OH GOD- OH GOD- OH GOD !!! DAD DAD !! I think, I think, I think there is a WASP IN MY PANTS- WASP IN MY PANTS- OH GOD F&*%@ F*&^%$ OH GOD DAD DAD HELP HELP. My poor dad, has *no idea* what to do...he is shocked.

As if this wasn't attracting enough attention I am now swating my ass and jumping up and down. I could NOT get that F'ing wasp out of my pants ! Out of desperation I lose all sense of public humility and I pull the drawstring on my pants to rip them off in the middle of the green. My dad and I are now both smacking my legs and my butt. I start to cry as the wasp flies out of my pants. My father grabs me to hold me close to him, I am still so so freaked out, I'm shaking, my ass hurts, I am sobbing harder with each breath.

There we stood, my father and I in the middle of the green for about 30 seconds before I realized that 1-my pants are still off, and I am hugging my father 2- I have no underware on 3- I am freshly waxed 4- The senior discount crowd watching us from every green around us is not even pretending to look away at this point, they are statue like.

I quickly pulled my pants back up. I wiped my tear stained face. Poor EARL was trying all he could do to not face us and look the other way, pretending to concentrate on his golf game. I gathered my golf bag, my pride, and my father. We took a long walk across the green to meet EARL once again.

We were all quiet. My breathing had gotten better, the air was still, and the birds had begun to chirp once again. No one said a word for a few minutes.

I rubbed my butt cheek as EARL sized up his putt, my dad looked on at his golf clubs, I stood waiting for someone to say something. Anything. No one was speaking, it is was uncomfortable, I wanted to just die. Then EARL, in a Nonchalant tone says, “I didn’t know we were playing strip golf?”

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