Monday, January 4, 2010

The Secret Life of Golfing Bee's

I went golfing with my father - we golfed with an old man who was retired. My father met him in the golf store while setting up our tee time and insisted he play golf with us. Old, salty, ex - Marine..."EARL" was his name....

I pray to GOD when my father and I golf, that we do not have to golf with other people. Or, we are not ahead of *any* golfers so that I won't expose my slow, clumsy approach to the game with any one else with eyes. Really, if I could golf with all blind people *this* would be ideal, but until the Helen Keller Foundation supports this sort of a course, I'm screwed....

We approached the 6th hole, EARL has teed off and is now walking a few yards ahead of my father and I. I am now engaged in a very critical conversation with my father about 'how golf balls could be prettier', and how 'I need cuter golf shoes' if he wants me to play more golf with him.

I am crouch over my ball concentrating, I feel a light tap on my butt cheek. This startles me a bit, as I think it is my father. I stand straight up and look at him like "WTF"? In return, he looks at ME like "WTF"? "You ok"? he says. I feel silly because he is standing about 8 feet away from me so I couldn't have possibly been him.

I set up again, no sooner do I bend over when I feel a tapping on my butt cheek. I jolt up and spin around to look at my dad. With wide eyes I say, "this may sound weird but are you poking me?" My dad with concern says, "No!, are you ok?"

Without answering, I set up my ball again and feel a tap on my butt again. I put my hand back on my butt cheek and feel the fluttering of wings against my skin. My heart drops into my stomach and my face flushes with heat as I realize what is in my pants !

NOW A BURNING SENSATION ON MY BUTT CHEEK. I put my hand down my pants and grab my butt cheek!! the BURNING gets more intense and I start to feel BURNING in more areas of my butt cheek.

I FLIP OUT !!! I start screaming "OH GOD- OH GOD- OH GOD !!! DAD DAD !! I think, I think, I think there is a WASP IN MY PANTS- WASP IN MY PANTS- OH GOD F&*%@ F*&^%$ OH GOD DAD DAD HELP HELP. My poor dad, has *no idea* what to do...he is shocked.

As if this wasn't attracting enough attention I am now swating my ass and jumping up and down. I could NOT get that F'ing wasp out of my pants ! Out of desperation I lose all sense of public humility and I pull the drawstring on my pants to rip them off in the middle of the green. My dad and I are now both smacking my legs and my butt. I start to cry as the wasp flies out of my pants. My father grabs me to hold me close to him, I am still so so freaked out, I'm shaking, my ass hurts, I am sobbing harder with each breath.

There we stood, my father and I in the middle of the green for about 30 seconds before I realized that 1-my pants are still off, and I am hugging my father 2- I have no underware on 3- I am freshly waxed 4- The senior discount crowd watching us from every green around us is not even pretending to look away at this point, they are statue like.

I quickly pulled my pants back up. I wiped my tear stained face. Poor EARL was trying all he could do to not face us and look the other way, pretending to concentrate on his golf game. I gathered my golf bag, my pride, and my father. We took a long walk across the green to meet EARL once again.

We were all quiet. My breathing had gotten better, the air was still, and the birds had begun to chirp once again. No one said a word for a few minutes.

I rubbed my butt cheek as EARL sized up his putt, my dad looked on at his golf clubs, I stood waiting for someone to say something. Anything. No one was speaking, it is was uncomfortable, I wanted to just die. Then EARL, in a Nonchalant tone says, “I didn’t know we were playing strip golf?”

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Diaper Genie

While attending a NYE party I had the experience of almost taking a nose dive down a flight of stairs. While in mid heart attack, gripping on the railing as I caught myself, I had the flashback of a baby shower I had attended a few years ago in the East Bay.

I had been invited to a baby shower along with 12 co-workers I had only known a week. My new job was very conservative and therefore required its employee's to have a large stick inserted up their ass the minute they were hired. I agreed to have the 'stick inserted', but only if I was allowed to promptly remove it at 5pm everyday for a good scrubbing. This was permitted but ONLY for me, and I was hired.

Part of our obligation as office employee's (only the white people for some reason) is to do a lot of sucking up. Sucking up so much that my mouth (between the hours of 9am and 5pm) actually formed into a round circle from the pucker on 12 (afore mentioned) co-workers asses (maneuvering around the stick of course). So, as you can see, I was obligated to go to this horrid event. I just KNEW what was going to happen with this crowd before I showed up...and it did. The minute I mentioned that I lived in San Francisco the whole room fell silent. The look of horror covered most of these women's face's.

One woman exclaimed, "Why would you live there? Its soooo dirty, with her hand to her chest as if she was protecting herself from me". (ya, IM the one with cooties, your husband was at the dive bar last week feeling up a cocktail waitress-she'll do anything for a tip). The next woman agrees and says, " I used to work there but I left that job because the traffic was just awful all the time AND finding parking was so terrible, how do you do it?". (it's called a taxi, dill hole, google it) And finally the third comment I always get (from the hostess "pregger's extraordinaire") says, "oh its so dangerous there, be careful!"

This is when I have an Ali McBeal moment where I envision she must think that I run down Mission Street with Scissors, half naked, and smoking a crack pipe on Sundays....I think to myself "be careful?, Be Careful, BE CAREFUL ?!?!? Excuse me 'shake and bake' you just slammed fertility drugs for months until they finally took. NOW you are allowing 3 fetus's - all at the same time - to suck your life force, make you a hormonal monster, eat 3/4 of everything you consume, and give you hemorrhoids for 9 months, while your sex starved husband is under investigation for sexual harassment (it was a misunderstanding, now our receptionist drives a 2009 Hyundai Santa Fe) !!!! and you want ME TO BE CAREFUL !!??"

I smile and say through a clenched jaw, " oh don't worry, I am".

I bit nervous, I will admit 1- I overdressed for the occasion, wearing a dress too low cut, and boots (too heel-y and definitely too leathery) 2-had one glass of white too many (chardonnay of course, the mascot wine of soccer moms who married when they were 18-21 everywhere !) 3-and finally had a dazed plastic smile on my face way too forced, while pretending to care about baby shower diva's Ann Geddes baby photo's hung in the 'baby room to-be'. My cheeks had cramps in them for weeks after...

I joined a group of three women taking a tour of the house because I was so freakin' uncomfortable I figured if I was walking from room to room out of eye view no one would notice I had poured a third glass of chardonnay. All three women began to descend down the stairs as the tour was coming to an end (1 more hour, 1 more hour, I can do this for 1 more hour). I let the other three women go ahead of me, hoping this would buy me 2 more minutes before I had to go downstairs and meet back up with this group of women who were all sitting in a half circle at the bottom of the stairs waiting for us so the baby shower games could begin.

I take my first step down the carpeted stairs noticing that the stairs are slick from the newly cleaned carpeting and that the stairs were Freakishly short compared to my very large feet. I thought, no problem I'll just put more body weight on my heels to make it down safely. 14 stairs to sooner than I thought this I took my next step and my heel slipped off the edge of the next step.

I don't have to explain to you how much noise it makes when a 160 lb Italian woman eats shit down 14 stairs in a house that was thrown up in 10 days using plywood, superglue, and some Astro-Turf carpet that has just been "cleaned" with a Sham-wow.

I flew down those freakin stairs like an elephant on a superslide. My ass (stick had been ejected on collision with second stair) thumped down each stair like a firecracker. I assumed that using the baby shower guest immediately in front of me as a floation devise would stop my fall, but no, she was no match for me and she ended up a casualty (well more of a Toboggan) and ended up underneath me during my final skid into the half circle of terrified woman.

I was stunned, the room was silent. You know when you are humiliated and the fact that you are so humiliated superseeds any pain you may have been in?? I stood up, carpet rash on my face, skid marks on my knee's (and in my undies too I'm sure), knowing that the entire baby shower had seen my green g-string underwear which CLEARLY did not match what I was wearing (yes these are the things that go through women's minds). There was no laughter, no comforting, no "are you ok?"...just silence... Just one woman who said, "you really need to be careful".