Friday, May 15, 2009

If Kathy Lee Gifford Owned Best Buy

Do you ever go to the "geek squad" at Best Buy to get your shit fixed? Probably not, you probably don't ...because unlike me....*your* shit, I'm SURE, actually works correctly.
Well, I have this curse you see...MY SHIT never works. No matter how much money I have spent, or what 'top of the line' bull shit I have been suckered into buying, my shit *never* works right. So I spend alot of time in line at Best Buy waiting for Geek Squad to help me.

This morning at 11am I hurried to spend 25 minutes standing in line behind ONE person to get my shit fixed. Meanwhile there were three men behind me (who's shit didn't work either). One little foreign boy behind the counter to 1- help customer 2- answer phone 3- receive shipments at the back door 4-PR for all of Geek Squad and Best Buys National Corporation...

25 Mother F*king minutes in line behind ONE single person who was just standing at the counter in front of 'one said, thai boy' having what appeared to be a staring contest to the death. Pissed off customer vs. Himalayan Whistle Kid . Dead Silence. I heard a faint whistle in the background as if a shoot out at sun down from the 'Good. the Bad. and the Asian.' It was so uncomfortable you could cut the tension with my g-string that was riding up while I waited.

Finally after what felt like forever, angry customer #2 behind me yells out "HEY, HERE'S A SUGGESTION, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP CUSTOMERS WHILE YOU ARE STANDING THERE DOING NOTHING" !

I could feel my face turn bright red, it was unbearable. It was a mixture of wanting to laugh out loud, and wanting to strangle who ever left this kid here by himself to help the entire store.

Remembering my first job when I was 14 at the juice bar in the mall ( I almost shit myself when the register door shut before I could give my customer change... and stood there frozen like a deer in headlights while he flipped his shit on me because I couldn't give him .75 cents back until my manager was summoned from the other side of the mall, God forbid we rip her fat ass away from throwing herself at the manager of Sabarro's for free cheese pizza and a diet coke). At that age I didn't have the stealth like animal instincts it requires to help angry men who's 'shit doesn't work', and this boy didn't either. I had a soft spot for the poor kid.

Now that I am MUCH older and angrier, I DARE some company to put me ALONE behind the counter of any retail store and take the kind of shit from customers that retail requires. "oh you want to return this broken, piece of shit computer because your shit doesn't work? Well, let me help you by sticking the hard drive up your ass and see if the connection is better?!"

I didn't start out angry, I used to be a very pleasant person. But I have worked retail from the age of 14 to the age of 20 and I had to take alot of crap from people. I was the one left behind the counter by myself to get yelled at by angry customer #2. I was the one who got stared down at the counter with everybody watching so that I could protect the "PRODUCT POLICY" of the company (for $7 an hour I might add), and yes I was the one who was completely at a loss when the printer didn't work, register wouldn't open, credit card was declined, caught the man whacking off at the panty wall in Clothestime ! SO DON'T JUDGE ME !!!

Hey Best Buy here's a better suggestion, hire some other sweat shop workers to help this kid behind the counter. Let's wrap this up Kathy Lee Gifford Style !!!

Shit if Kathy Lee Gifford owned Best Buy she would have imported like 20 other Honduras workers to help everybody in that store AND make clothes for everyone using the Kathie Lee line. After we were ALL happy and our SHIT FINALLY WORKED, not to mention I had a new Wal-Mart wardrobe, and Best Buy was only out like $4.23 for labor costs, she would tearfully deny knowing about the whole thing.

Hey I'm not saying its right. I'm just saying, I want my shit to work!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Why I don't 'do' FasTrak

So several of you are telling me to do FasTrak. I want to take this time to explain to you that I DID do FasTrak for three years....Please stay tuned for a new blog that explains WHY I DON'T DO FASTAK any longer.....It is a long story. But don't you worry it still ends with alot of swearing, sticking it to the man, and me burning rubber out of the toll booth !!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

U Stank !!!

Another Toll Booth Troll Story for you.
About two weeks ago, Rachel #2 gave me a frozen 'garlic chicken pizza' to take to work with me.

At lunch time I took it out of the cardboard and it smelled SOOO strong of garlic that I could actually smell it through the celephane wrap AND from about a foot I decide NOT to eat this at lunch, because it would have killed my future clients...I starve myself ALL day and decide to heat up this pizza and finally eat it while driving back home to SF.

I devour the pizza in my car and approach the toll booth on the Bay Bridge.

I roll my window down, and stick my $5 bill out to the women who is taking money. I say, "Can I have a receipt please". She winces as if she is in extraordinary pain and YELLS!!! "WHHHHHEEEEWWWW!".

I don't say a word, I am not sure if she is have a convulsion or a coming to Jesus, or epilepsy or something.

I stare at her....she reaches with her three inch fingernails for my money. She is careful to ONLY let the tips of her fingernails touch the corner of my bill, and she rips it as fast as she can out of my hand while YELLING AGAIN, " WWWWHHHHHHHHHHEEEEWWWWWWW" !!!!!!!!

I am catching on now that she has a problem with the garlic smell coming from my car.

I still sit there speechless and wait for my reciept.....

She proceeds to yell as loud as she can...

"stank" "Stank" "STANK" " SSSSTTTAAAANNNKKK" !!!!!!!!!!! as she throws my dollar bill back at me.

COME ON LADY !!!! Yes I get that I smell like garlic...but it's not like I smelled like SHIT or B.O. or a myriad of other offensive odors....I mean....

how Fing RUDE are you???? Did I pull up and yell "EWWWW" "FRIED CHICKEN!!" " EWWW" "EWWW", I didn't wanna know why?????....It's called curtousy you Gery curl wearing, Lee Press On Nail having, Loud Mouth, Evening at the Apolo, Dramatic, Screaming to Jesus......Byoch !!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I said it...and you know why?? I said it because no matter how bad someone smells...its called common courtesy. I have NO IDEA what Toll Booth Trolls have to do in order to get their jobs, but CUSTOMER service is NOT involved in the training process. I have done my share of retail, sales AND customer service and I would have been FIRED on the spot if I treated people the way these TOLL BOOTH TROLLS treat me. Am I the only one?

Friday, April 10, 2009

Giving Toll is Taking its Toll.....

Toll collectors on the Bay Bridge make me *so* mad. Instead of going POSTAL I am going to go TOLL-STAL !!

It seems like a simple transaction. I give you money and ask for a receipt "please". You, being a toll person, take my money and give me a receipt. So why do I have a confrontation almost EVERY time I go over the bay bridge to get back home?

I want to say that I NEVER have had a problem on the Golden Gate Bridge. This therapy session is for the Bay Bridge Toll Takers alone !! They are awful, mean, and spiteful trolls! I have had a myriad of strange and weird transactions at the Bay Bridge Toll Booths.

Sometimes the toll people don't look at me, speak to me, or even acknowledge that I exist when they take my money and give me change...and believe me I have LEARNED to appreciate these people for ignoring me. Thank you for your robotic disinterest.

Most of the time these Toll Trolls have a WHOLE life going on other than their job. They are listening to the radio, singing and dancing, watching a small TV, talking on their cell phone. Doing EVERYTHING in addition to taking toll money. Washing their hair, Betting on horses, Hiring Strippers, among other extracurricular activities. My last experience was with the short, Asian, Dyk-ish woman who talks on her cell. She was so distacted with her personal life that after I gave her a $10, asked for a reciept "please", she handed me back $1 and a receipt. I paused to tell her that I had given her a $10, not a $5 and she PUT HER FINGER UP because I was interrupting her conversation !!!!!!!!! SHUT UP !!! You can't be serious??!! IM interrupting YOU? No U Di'nt !!! and THEN, no and THEN, she argues with me that I gave her a $5 and not a $10 !!! After banter back and forth twice she ripped out a five and shoved it at me.

This is only ONE story of several that I have about Toll Booth Trolls, I am happy to tell you more, but I would like to know YOUR experience with Toll Both Trolls.....