Friday, May 15, 2009

If Kathy Lee Gifford Owned Best Buy

Do you ever go to the "geek squad" at Best Buy to get your shit fixed? Probably not, you probably don't ...because unlike me....*your* shit, I'm SURE, actually works correctly.
Well, I have this curse you see...MY SHIT never works. No matter how much money I have spent, or what 'top of the line' bull shit I have been suckered into buying, my shit *never* works right. So I spend alot of time in line at Best Buy waiting for Geek Squad to help me.

This morning at 11am I hurried to spend 25 minutes standing in line behind ONE person to get my shit fixed. Meanwhile there were three men behind me (who's shit didn't work either). One little foreign boy behind the counter to 1- help customer 2- answer phone 3- receive shipments at the back door 4-PR for all of Geek Squad and Best Buys National Corporation...

25 Mother F*king minutes in line behind ONE single person who was just standing at the counter in front of 'one said, thai boy' having what appeared to be a staring contest to the death. Pissed off customer vs. Himalayan Whistle Kid . Dead Silence. I heard a faint whistle in the background as if a shoot out at sun down from the 'Good. the Bad. and the Asian.' It was so uncomfortable you could cut the tension with my g-string that was riding up while I waited.

Finally after what felt like forever, angry customer #2 behind me yells out "HEY, HERE'S A SUGGESTION, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP CUSTOMERS WHILE YOU ARE STANDING THERE DOING NOTHING" !

I could feel my face turn bright red, it was unbearable. It was a mixture of wanting to laugh out loud, and wanting to strangle who ever left this kid here by himself to help the entire store.

Remembering my first job when I was 14 at the juice bar in the mall ( I almost shit myself when the register door shut before I could give my customer change... and stood there frozen like a deer in headlights while he flipped his shit on me because I couldn't give him .75 cents back until my manager was summoned from the other side of the mall, God forbid we rip her fat ass away from throwing herself at the manager of Sabarro's for free cheese pizza and a diet coke). At that age I didn't have the stealth like animal instincts it requires to help angry men who's 'shit doesn't work', and this boy didn't either. I had a soft spot for the poor kid.

Now that I am MUCH older and angrier, I DARE some company to put me ALONE behind the counter of any retail store and take the kind of shit from customers that retail requires. "oh you want to return this broken, piece of shit computer because your shit doesn't work? Well, let me help you by sticking the hard drive up your ass and see if the connection is better?!"

I didn't start out angry, I used to be a very pleasant person. But I have worked retail from the age of 14 to the age of 20 and I had to take alot of crap from people. I was the one left behind the counter by myself to get yelled at by angry customer #2. I was the one who got stared down at the counter with everybody watching so that I could protect the "PRODUCT POLICY" of the company (for $7 an hour I might add), and yes I was the one who was completely at a loss when the printer didn't work, register wouldn't open, credit card was declined, caught the man whacking off at the panty wall in Clothestime ! SO DON'T JUDGE ME !!!

Hey Best Buy here's a better suggestion, hire some other sweat shop workers to help this kid behind the counter. Let's wrap this up Kathy Lee Gifford Style !!!

Shit if Kathy Lee Gifford owned Best Buy she would have imported like 20 other Honduras workers to help everybody in that store AND make clothes for everyone using the Kathie Lee line. After we were ALL happy and our SHIT FINALLY WORKED, not to mention I had a new Wal-Mart wardrobe, and Best Buy was only out like $4.23 for labor costs, she would tearfully deny knowing about the whole thing.

Hey I'm not saying its right. I'm just saying, I want my shit to work!